I've lost weight lots of times. And gained it back too.
And I've had a serious problem with food most of my life.
There's a lot of history here.
I grew up with a mom and siblings who were super slim - small bones, not much muscle, didn't play sports. Even my dad, who was a tall guy at 6'5" and did play sports, wasn't particularly big. Then there was me - big frame, solidly built, tons of muscle and I was involved in some sort of sport or organized physical activity or hanging out with the boys (yes, I was a tomboy!).
My sister called me fat. My dad monitored what I ate and made comments. And I truly thought I was fat as a kid.
I started hoarding food as a kid - maybe around 10 years old. I had a paper route and made some money. I bought candy with it. Lots of candy. I would binge on the junk. When I started babysitting a couple of years later, there was one particular family that kept their house stocked with junk food. Hostess ding dongs, soda, chips, you name it - stuff we never had in our house. I binged on that too. I couldn't stop myself. And, while I didn't have a name for it back then, I felt a lot of shame about it. I would hide up in my room with my snacks and my books. I hid the wrappers. But I wasn't fat - all that physical activity kept my weight in check.
In high school, I swam for both the high school team and a year-round team. At my peak fitness level, I weighed 170 lbs. Solid muscle. Big broad swimmers shoulders. Slim through the waist and hips. I remember that my shirt size was 16 and my pants size was 12 (in today's world, that translates to a size 12 up top and a size 8 below).
And then I got sick. Hot all the time with a headache that wouldn't go away, bitchy, and my swimming times were increasing. I couldn't get enough food in me (I figure at the peak, I was eating between 6,000 and 8,000 calories a day and still always hungry) and I was losing weight. A lot. I was down to 135 lbs in about 5 months. A very stressful time.
At first, with the headaches, I would say something to my mom. She'd tell me to take some aspirin and stop complaining. After a while I quit speaking up. I was sick for months before a family friend, who hadn't seen me in quite awhile, came over. She took one look at me, turned to my mom and said there is something really wrong with Lisa. With that, she convinced my mom to take me to the doctor. It took them a while to figure out what was wrong.
Lots of tests before they figured out that my thyroid had gone haywire. And then more tests to figure out if it was a tumor in my pituitary gland causing it. It wasn't. "Just" my thyroid gone haywire. They gave me medicine to counteract it until I could have surgery (scheduled for right after high school graduation). The medicine made me feel like hell plus gain a ton of weight back really quickly. Since I wasn't swimming or working out any more, I gained all fat back. And I didn't stop eating way too much. It was already in me to binge eat when stressed plus I was used to shoveling food in my mouth for the past 6 months.
I managed to graduate - barely (that speaks to my stress - I was always a great student). I had the surgery and was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. It was all handled really poorly - from my parents to the doctors. I was completely freaked out, which caused more stress, which I dealt with the only way I knew how - overeating. And I added smoking, drugs and bouncing from thing to thing. My mantra at the time was I don't want to die without having tried everything...
The bingeing continued sporadically - always tied to stressful events that I didn't have the tools to handle any other way. And I always carried with me the belief that I was fat.
It wasn't until I was late in my 20's that I realized I wasn't fat AT ALL as a kid. By that time, I was fat.
The ultimate stressor had happened. I got "accidentally" pregnant in college. I put that in quotes because I don't think such things are accidents - not matter how much they arise outside my consciousness.
I gained a HUGE amount when I was pregnant - about 80 lbs. And never came close to losing it all. Over the years I would lose some and then gain more back. I hit my high of 276 about 10 years ago.
Each time I would address it, it was through exercise. Even thinking about tackling my food issues would send me into a tail spin and I would end up eating more. So I would shelve that idea and focus on moving more. And back and forth I would go - I've lost and gained the same 50 lbs multiple times. And because I never really got at the core issue - emotional eating - as soon as the stress would hit, I would gain back what I had lost.
Over the years, I've really worked through a lot of personal issues in therapy. I've learned to use my voice regularly and for the big scary stuff, as well as all the little stuff. I've tapped into what I need and want and ask for it. I've dug deep and brought up a lot of the emotion of the past so that I could feel it and let it go. I've done a ton of work on shame and vulnerability and loving my body, whatever the size. And while I've never gotten back to my highest weight, I usually hover around 250 - sometimes a little more, sometimes less but the back and forth continued.
I've been lucky with the health stuff, given how overweight I am. My blood pressure is decent, my cholesterol levels ok, no diabetes. I've always been really strong and my weight hasn't stood in the way of professional success. And I've also never let the weight stop me from what I wanted to do.
I'm getting older though. I'll be 49 in September. And carrying all this weight around takes a bigger toll with each year that goes by. I have more fat. less muscle with each year that goes by. I'm not as strong as I was. My feet hurt more. I have more aches and pains. I don't bounce back like i used to. And I'm tired.
It occurred to me that if I continue on this path, that in 10 years I won't be very mobile. I want to be active like my mom - she's 77. And while there is much I can't control, I can lose weight, get fit, get healthy and give myself the best odds for a long time of kicking ass.
So, there is where I start.
49 is my year to do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment